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Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
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7:00 pm
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Hi LiveJournal users. I totally kicked this shit and got hooked on something else called sleep but you know a little every now and then doesn't really hurt. Let me tell you what I've been doing with all that LiveJournal-free time.
I guess you could say I've been quitting things. I quit Kiss Me Kate and then I quit jazz choir and then I quit my American Studies teachers and then I quit Instant Messenger and then I quit sleeping in earrings and then I quit using face wash and then I quit wanting to be a piano teacher when I grow up and then I quit liking dairy and eggs. Also I didn't try out for Peter Pan so I guess I quit the Forest Theatre, at least for this year. And Adrian and I lost state and Gillon and I are second alternate for nationals so I guess I quit duo, at least for this year. And I have started hanging out with slightly different people so if I wanted to stretch it I could say I quit some friends but that's not really true because I haven't lost any friends.
Let's talk about school. I quit jazz choir because: 1. I got an A- in a freaking elective zero period class for being less than five minutes late repeatedly which my GPA so doesn't need. 2. I was getting into power struggles with Mr. Vandenhole which were generally unpleasant. 3. Getting up early sucks (hence the tardiness). Now I have wonderful mornings where I get up and eat breakfast at home and accomplish things and I sleep a lot more. Unfortunately because I quit when I did I am one semester short of taking advantage of the 3 years of choir = career education credit deal and need to do independent study career ed. or not graduate, but I got something really cool cooked up for that so it shouldn't be a problem. I quit my American Studies teachers because they weren't good teachers and the class was hateful so now I am in Zonoff/Polinsky which is freaking amazing and I love it. The rest of my classes with the exception of Spanish are also significantly better which means my quality of life has drastically increased. My grades last semester were the worst they've ever been but this semester I am going to get all As except an A- in math. If they let me take independent study P.E. and career ed. next year I will take A.P. English, A.P. Statistics, A.P. Biology, Current World Issues, Culture Power and Society, French, and probably A.P. Physics. And I am in West Side Story now but I don't really want to get into how that came about. I'm Habanera. I don't think I have any lines but I sing and dance.
Instead of wanting to be a piano teacher I want to be an environmentalist now. I am super excited. For my independent study I think I am going to apprentice to Olaf the Tree Man and learn everything about trees. Also Earth Service Corps is picking up speed again after the minor lull we had for a while and we're going on this big camping/tree planting overnight to Blake Island next month and doing all this recycling stuff and finally getting the plastic trays movement (our school uses disposable cardboard trays for lunches and it's ridiculously wasteful and horrible) together.
I wasn't intending to go vegan any time soon but I read this book that had a lot to do with a nursing mother and suddenly I became disgusted by the impersonal nature of dairy and eggs. Instead of good ethical reasons or even health reasons I just stopped wanting to eat dairy and eggs so I am slowly going 100% vegan and by the time I get back from Ometepe I will eat only vegetable matter and minerals.
I leave for Ometepe in like a week and a half and I'm scared out of my mind but a little excited.
I am really fucking sad that I don't get to duo with Adrian anymore. It's almost incomprehensible.
The people I'm spending more time with these days are Matt, Tim, Joel and some other rockin' debaters. For instance for Tolo, after IE State there was an amazing party at Kris' house (which I had never before actually been inside of before and we've been dating for over four months how weird is that) which was with those three and Kris and me and Adrian and some twits where we made paninis and then just danced in this unfurnished room with the lights (and some clothes) off for hours. These people are so much fun.
I crashed my bike yesterday and I have a gnarly looking left knee but I'm going to start biking more and get really fast.
I have so many obligations I feel a little bit like I'm being eaten alive. One of them is a tutorial to write. I'm so happy though.
Also I eat canned soup at school now. Me and Adrian and anyone else hungry.
I apologize for not reading your journals regularly and then foisting my own upon you but man it's pretty liberating.
Alright you guys.
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| Sunday, January 16th, 2005
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2:01 am
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So I'm overwhelmed because I'm in three plays and a duo and I have an honors paper to write and oral finals questions to answer and a schedule to change and a math test to take and a book club book to read and some movie group movies to watch and some debate cases to write and some friends and a boyfriend to socialize with. Which is part of the reason why I haven't updated my LiveJournal in so long.
The plays:
Recollection of Flight, which I wrote about before. It opened tonight. For some reason instead of this being wonderful it made me want to eat people. I think this reason is that the group of high school girls in it with a few exceptions (Nissa is an exception) are all sort of hostile and have this abrasively subtle sarcastic sense of humor that dominates their conversation and reduces you when you don't know they're kidding, but, as Mr. Taylor said of my writing style, "grows tiresome quickly". They are also just partiers (by which I mean their parties involve sex and drugs instead of debate and baking) which, while I don't have a particular problem with it, differentiates us significantly socially. But the show itself is fun, and the music is wonderful, and there are some really talented people in it. One of these talented people is Chelsea who I became friends with during this show and is another exception among the high school girls and is an amazing singer who is going to be famous and who I like a lot. And usually it is more fun than tonight.
Variations on the Death of Trotsky, one of the Winter One-Acts. This is also my duo script. I am in this play because after my normal audition, when Adrian and I were duoing in the evening, we went back to the high school and showed Ella, who is directing the One-Act that we could do it and she cast me less than twenty minutes later. (Adrian got cast in another One-Act.) Ben Hasko is Trotsky in this one and he is amazing. Andrew Bolt is Ramón and he is also amazing but hard to work with because he only does one thing. Ella is not amazing and rarely tries to direct us (we are mostly directed by Ben) and talks about people being their backs so often that I feel uncomfortable leaving the room with her. (So I am talking about her behind her back because I am a hypocrite.) She's nice to my face though, even if there is the same minor social barrier of the differences between our parties. So sometimes I hate my One-Act too. I am looking forward to them all being put together because there are I believe eight debaters in them total and lots of other cool people and that will be much more fun. Also hey guess what I finally got into a school play! Eighth time's the charm!
Kiss Me Kate. Rehearsals for Kiss Me Kate started some time this week and I have not been to one of them because they conflicted with Recollection of Flight. Rehearsals for this play also conflict with Ometepe meetings and Berkeley (story to come) and performances conflict with IE State which I have not yet qualified for but plan to. So I think I am going to drop out. This will be sad because it is a musical and a BPA play and only the third BPA play I've ever gotten into but it is ridiculous to be in so many plays especially since it will also overlap with the school spring musical and Peter Pan. The director is the woman who was the dialect coach for Oliver! though so it was kind of crazy that she just happened onto Bainbridge Island and I just happened to audition for her. Oh well. I am not sure how to drop out of this play because I haven't been to any rehearsals but I will figure it out.
Alright Berkeley. There's a debate tournament in Berkeley, California next month and I'm going in duo but getting to go was a multi-day war with my mother. However, after much complex reason- and lack-of-reason-ing, and some intricate analogies, I have been granted permission. It is a three day tournament on a four day weekend and I am extremely excited. Before this tournament, though, we are going to win Eastside Catholic. We got third at UPS which is for no apparent reason not a state bid although first and second are and at other tournaments up to sixth place is and we are going to get significantly better in the next two weeks. We duoed for Joel yesterday which is like riding a trained pony in a circle because he likes everything Adrian does and on top of that is a ridiculously flattering person. (And his hipness trickled down to his brother and his brother's friends, eleven of which came over while we were there, and man they were the hippest eighth graders I have ever seen.) And then we got so caught up in self-love and -indulgence that we did the old duo too and although we don't really remember it it is still way better than Trotsky.
Kris Skotheim is amazing.
Man I just hit a wall so I'm going to bed now but I might make this longer in the morning as it's a regular shrimp compared the rest of my entries. (Except the last one. I was actually trying to use LiveJournal in the disgusting way that is possible here which is to request feedback from your friends so tell me beautiful people if you know the feeling I am talking about because I am really curious. It feels really dirty to ask you to comment but I am just that curious.)
Buenas noches.
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| Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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11:27 pm
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I want to know if other people experience this sensation:
When someone says something honestly nice and unexpected to me, or does something nice for someone else, or gives me a massage, or when I remember the nice thing someone did later, and I think twice when I did something nice for someone else, I experience(d) a physical sensation which I have pinned down to a dull pain in the back of my head that slowly tapers off that is somehow the best feeling I can imagine. This sensation has been occurring pretty consistently my whole life although the triggers have evolved (I believe it began only with the physical trigger). I have never known if this is something everyone feels or not. I always sort of assumed (I am not sure why) that it is something adults do not feel.
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| Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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9:57 pm
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Some somewhat important changes have happened in my life.
Firstly I don't hate myself anymore. Or at least not nearly as much. It's a really weird thing to come out of though because if you stop hating yourself you have to start... loving yourself? I guess ideally. And then you fall into narcissism. There's a delicate balance. I do not at present think I am in danger of falling into narcissism but let me know if I do.
And there's this boy. His name is Kris and he is brilliant and good looking and we love eachother.
I finally got into a McAllister production. My ninth audition for him. I am in The Recollection of Flight and I'm pretty sure I have the smallest part in the play but really that's okay what with I have no time to go to rehearsals anyway and I didn't expect to get in to begin with.
I am going to Ometepe, Bainbridge's sister island in Nicaragua, for two weeks around spring break. It's this program BHS does that I applied to and didn't get into last year and thus was automatically accepted this year. You go and live with a family there and help with a project for their community and speak lots of Spanish and everyone who goes just loves it.
Coincidentally there is a choir trip to Disneyland the week after I get back. Talk about culture shock. I may end up quitting choir, though, so it might not even be an issue. But this is something I have to decide soon.
Also there's been that debate team I'm on. I'm doing Ted Turner debate as well as Lincoln-Douglas this year which is done in teams (my partner is Kris) and is extremely fun. And the Bainbridge kids doing Ted Turner are all really really fun to hang out with and I have gotten to know them a lot better, particularly Joel, who was also in my group for this movie project for American Studies so I saw a lot more of him, who is amazing. These people are so incredibly into debate that we have extra meetings at random and, for instance, yesterday spontaneously had two debate rounds on made up topics just for practice and laughs. And on Friday because the tournament we were going to go to turned out not to have Ted Turner we are having a Ted Turner party at which we are going to eat and dance and debate. I love these people so much!
And speaking of debate there's duo again. Adrian and I finally settled on a script which is Variations on the Death of Trotsky and is amazing but I was sort of against doing for nebulous reasons, but which I had always sort of assumed since last year I would end up doing this year and here I am. But I adore duo so I am thrilled and we have a tournament a week from Friday.
And oh hey. I got my first shiny thing in LD at the Whitman tournament at which I totally surprisingly broke to octafinals which isn't particularly astonishing but I honestly thought I had lost every round I debated so it was really cool to find out differently, plus I had an awesome final round which I only lost by one ballot, whose reason for dropping me wasn't great anyway.
We also had our first jazz choir competition which was relatively disastrous in that one of the soloists spent the entire concert in the bathroom throwing up and there was some drum mix up, but was really fun because I spent a lot of time with Henry Atkinson whom I love and Emily Gargus, who I was friends with a long time ago but then we forgot eachother and got to know eachother again, and who is also dating one of Kris's best friends. Also I saw Bill from band camp and ah. I miss Bill. And I played piano on one of the songs which I had five days' notice on, while Nissa who normally plays it played bass, which she doesn't normally play but played wonderfully, and that went okay which was rockin'. I would really like to play piano on more songs in choir. It's such a freaking rush. But we had an amazing clinician who turned out to be the old choir director from BHS who told us perfect things that were exactly what we need to do, but then Mr. Vandenhole took the message and went somewhere irrelevant with it and when I confronted him he told me if that's what I want in a choir director maybe I need to be in a different choir. So maybe I'll quit.
Some bad things: I never do my homework at home anymore and although my grades are improving from the beginning of the year they are still not good. It is arthritis season. I have a sinus infection although thanks to advances in science it is nearly gone. Sean is doing something educational and adventurous in Washington, D.C. and I didn't really realize when he was leaving or say goodbye. My computer did horrible and boring things but is mostly fixed now. These bad things are pretty positive. Here's worse: War. Starvation. Tree-killing.
Oh yeah. Earth Service Corps is doing another waste-free lunch which will be Friday, December 10th, and is getting really publicized and will hopefully be successful. I got interviewed for the morning broadcast today and they're doing a big story and I'm really excited about it. We throw away four dumpsters full of trash a day at BHS. Three from lunch alone. So ridiculous. I hope this raises awareness.
We now have to practice two hours a week and chart it for choir. I think I'll do some of that.
Hasta la vista. Or should I say, buenas noches.
I can't believe I'm making duo references already.
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| Friday, October 8th, 2004
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10:57 pm
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Part of this post is intolerably emo. I have considered making it private but in the interest of honesty, I'm not going to.
So lately I have developed a case of intense self-loathing. For the first time I can remember, I like myself better physically than otherwise. Interestingly enough, this hasn't made me particularly insecure because really, if I don't like me why should I care who else does? At least we have something in common. In a similar vein, I feel slightly distanced from all of my friends because I guess they do like me and for a thousand reasons that doesn't make sense. (Did I mention this post is intolerably emo?)
What's also weird is that I have no desire to be anyone else in particular, or fit any kind of mold. I just seem to myself to be inconsistent among other things and hate it. And I feel either apathetic or amotivated towards changing me. Also if I were cooler I wouldn't think about myself enough to hate myself. But then... see? Vicious cycle almost.
Also I suck at school this year. My grades are worse than they've ever been. I'm late almost every day. I'm actually getting tested to see if I have a learning disability or ADD. I don't know if my drop in academic achievement and hating myself are connected or how.
Alright I think I'll step out of the emo corner now.
I tried out for another school play and, although I didn't get in, I got called back, and Mac (who directs all the school plays and thus has rejected me for all of them) said this was my "in" and that I "will be singing and dancing in West Side Story this spring". Yay! And (for the fall play) there are five chick parts. And for only one, three people got called back. So I made the final seven, and that's good enough for me. Also the girl who got the part, Amy Andrews, I honestly think will do a better job of it than I would have. I attempted to tell her that in passing in the hall but I'm pretty sure it sounded forced and artificial. But really. I like Amy and it's much more her.
I also decided not to try out for the BPA and Ovation plays which had auditions this week. Mostly because of lacking time. So it looks as though the fall play season will go through this year without any bitterness from my end. Lots of my friends are in them, too, so they will be fun to see. I also think I'm going to try out for this musical Recollections of Flight which premiered at BPA two years ago and Mac is going to direct there. No monologue is even needed. Wo man.
And I'm in a play reading of An Enemy of the People which is really good and timely if a little bit dry. It will be at the library at 3:00 on Sunday, October sixteenth and I think it's free. Adrian is also in it. And a bunch of adults.
I absolutely love Earth Service Corps. Our first couple meetings had huge turnouts with just exactly the preppy, non-hippie kind of people we wanted. And the old hippie returners. But we're trying to change the image of the club to encourage the masses to join. It's so good to be back. Also Cynthia and I are presidents. That's working really well thus far. Our projects are trucking along wonderfully. However oh my God there's a festival this weekend we're doing recycling for and I just called the guy from Bainbridge Disposal today because I never got around to it.
Not that it makes any difference in the real world, but I have changed my mind about boys. To some degree. And for all the wrong reasons. I decided that for me personally, the problem with asexuality (or whatever variant thereof I had decided to try) is jealousy.
I had another epiphany today which was we should change the "One nation under God" in the pledge of allegiance to "One nation under Canada".
I really really like certain new members (and old of course) of the debate team and I am really really excited for this year. I also need a Ted Turner partner.
My plan (which is funny because of how badly I'm doing in school) is to learn everything from the second semester of first year French and the first semester of second year French this semester so that I can go into the second semester of second year next semester. It's just verbs, vocab, and cultural information. I can so do it. It's not like I have anything else I should be doing (joke). French 1, although it is teaching me a lot, is frustratingly slow considering that they have to teach you how to learn a language as well as teaching you the language itself. And I can only hope five years of Spanish accomplished that.
I have an iPod now. It is amazing. My dad got a pretty big settlement from his accident and he got a new computer and I got an iPod. And my parents are thinking of renovating the kitchen. It seems so weird to use settlement money from a life-threatening accident to get a lap top and a new dishwasher, but oh well I'm not going to complain.
I have become moderately addicted to The Long Winters' first CD and a Magnetic Fields CD. Which I don't even have hard copies of.
I need to work on my self-restraint. And see more of Sean Fraga. And do more homework. And start being a decent person. And go to sleep.
I watched the presidential debate at the house of Brian, the twenty-three year-old Democratic Office "babe" and future husband of Rebecca Sivitz. Tonight's was disappointing because I just don't agree with Kerry on everything and so that can get discouraging, but more importantly I didn't feel like he really hammered his environmental plan which I have read and is awesome but he let seem not much better than what Bush had to offer. Which is ridiculous. But still he was fabulous. I can't believe the election is this close.
Alright there was some discourse on this on livejournal a while back, and I'm finally going to explain my point of view, regarding campaigning for Kerry. I don't agree with all his ideas. But much more strongly, I disagree with the opinion that because of this I should not work to get him in office or go to rallies or do anything except vote for him because he's better than the alternative. Because I find it really slimy to say oh, I want him in office but because our ideals don't match perfectly I'm going to let other people do my dirty work. I'm working on the Kerry campaign because I'm terrified of Bush winning and Kerry is the only realistic alternative, thus I want him to win and am being pro-active about it. Sorry that was poorly worded. Maybe I'll get better at this once the debate season starts up.
I'm going to freaking bed.
Unicorns and bunnies.
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| Thursday, August 19th, 2004
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1:44 am
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I read another freaking web comic archive last night/this morning. It was terrible. I'm not even going to name it. There were about five comics in all 314 that I laughed out loud at, and one that I liked even though it wasn't funny. That, my friends, is a waste of time. Be smarter than me. Don't do webcomics.
Woah. Adrian's brother's exgirlfriend's friends' band Rack is freaking amazing.
I'm babysitting my ex-piano students for the first time tomorrow. I have babysat a number of times I could count on one hand and it's been awhile. Let's hope I don't kill anyone.
God I've been so overemotional the past few days. I almost cried at kitten-killing jokes in the webcomic I'm not naming, and at this one Rack song about this guy who loses all his appendages in a car accident.
But I have decided that I am going to cut down on the drama in my life by entirely eliminating my love life. Really, friends and little children and music and the earth are a full life. Also I don't have a problem with free love so I'm not eliminating my sex life (ha. I don't have a sex life to eliminate) okay my hypothetical sex life, but at the moment I am relatively just done with boys. I told this to Jesse tonight. I believe he understands. He's such a good kid. I am happy we have stayed in contact and are going to stay friends.
I've been so honest with my mom recently. It's unreal.
Camping was incredibly awesome. We went directly against parental demands and gave Shanti and Riley the two person tent and Sean and us Aris had the other one. We had the weirdest conversation which involved a medley of made up songs and the concept of communal hindquarters. God I love those two people. With them I am nothing but me and everything is perfect.
I got swarmed on Monday and we watched Blues Brothers. Amazing movie. Another convincing reason everyone in the world should know the same choreographed dances and be able to break into them whenever the appropriate music is played. Best part of the movie: two Nazis are plummeting to their death in a car. One Nazi turns to the other and says, "I've always loved you." And, like that in Explorers always has, the credit music made me get up and dance.
After the movie we went into Winslow (oh that's me being badass again. My mother forbid a trip to Winslow at such an ungodly hour of 11:30) and I swung on the swing set and it felt like a falling dream. And didn't make me nauseous. And I said goodbye to Shanti who was leaving the next morning. Her visit was way fun. It would be mad awesome if she came up here for second semester. She got her ears pierced, too, after all these years. They look so pretty. So yay for Shanti. Now she is on to bigger and better things (Michigan, I think.)
I've been having the most vivid dreams lately and remembering them almost every night. I love it.
I got my food handler's permit yesterday and today Sean's caterer boss told me if I called her she'd put me on her schedule. What, a job? Ooh, that and I finally went back to Barbara today after a huge space of no lessons and she told me she'd pay me to record CDs of the piano accompaniments to the vocal warm ups in her books, and to accompany kids in recitals. Yay! So even if the Spanish school lady who called me back the other day on a cell phone with a bad connection and told me there were no French teacher positions available but got disconnected before she could tell me whether there were Spanish teacher positions (see, I don't speak French or have any desire to teach it.) even if she tells me there are no Spanish teacher positions either, I will have my work cut out for me so to speak. Oh and on that food handler's permit test, I got 100%. That's right.
Oh yes and I went into Seattle with Chloe yesterday. Thereby standing up Sean in return for his standing me up. It was really fun and adventurous and I love Chloe but half way through the trip we both got really tired and were sort of enveloped in this haze. But still a good time. And I was proud of my not buying anything, because oh yes I don't actually need any type of clothing and won't for the next twenty years unless I gain an inordinate amount of weight. Which, with my current level of physical activity, is not unlikely. But I've started doing situps and pushups again after a really long recess so maybe there is hope for my girlish figure after all. (I'm playing. I do realize I weigh 115 pounds.)
Concentrating so hard on something that you cease to hear is a really weird phenomenon.
Ari and I worked out the Flaming Lips' Yoshimi on guitar and recorder and are going to find someone to be a ninja for us and then do it as performance art at Pegasus on Sunday. It's so hot.
I'm babysitting at 10:00 am tomorrow. The time has come for me to go to sleep. Goodnight all you beautiful people.
<3
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| Thursday, August 12th, 2004
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10:58 pm
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It's time for my annual update!
I went to Band Camp. It was really different from last year. I learned a lot more, was more of an antisocial outcast, and had a great deal of fun. The only one of my beautiful new friends from last year to return was Kara, who I was least close to and didn't spend all that much time with. But Chloe came to the concert on the last day and was terribly Hawaiian and wonderful and movie-star-like and made me miss last year's camp all over again. I love you so, Hawaiian Surfer Queen Chloe. Highlights from this year were:
+ Shadow puppets on the piano music at evening rehearsal
+ Learning jazz theory
+ Playing big fat chords just right and the RUSH
+ Eric my fellow BBQ Pit Band piano player who repeatedly put clothespins on his ears in alien-like fashion
+ Drew my wonderful gay piano coach who goes to Juliard, was really patient, and moans orgasmically when he plays chords
+ Bill the dorkiest person in the world
+ Cabin six, the youngest boy cabin that our cabin fell in love with and did our skit with and wrote a song for and greeted lovingly every time we saw them
+ Andrew aka Michael Jackson the hottest boy in cabin six who was my "boyfriend" who looks like Matt Wohlford with more hair and also had the habit of seductively licking his upper lip all the time and played trumpet in my band
+ Ashley my nerdy Christian friend who didn't like touching boys and was the sweetest person in the world
+ Ruth who was in my cabin two years ago and was in my band and was really nice and cute and funny, and is overshadowed by her hot, talented, popular best friend who is sort of mean to her
+ Sam and Chloe's visits
Immediately following band camp was peace camp at which I was a counselor again this year. Oh my freaking god it was amazing. So so so so wonderful. The group of counselors was the best that have ever been there. Except for Eyas and his friend (I am so over Eyas) who were just there for community service hours, everyone bonded a ton and I honestly think I could call up any of them and just say what's up. It was really sad when the week was over but we are definitely having a reunion sometime this month. And I had a little group of campers that were my buddies and fought over sitting in my lap and followed me around and were wonderful. They were Ben (the boy who peed his pants last year and is everyone's favorite camper), Avi, and Emma. Avi especially was my girl. I miss her so much. And everyone else. I had a way better age group this year and didn't have to deal with nasty too-cool-for-camp attitudes. And the whole camp came to Bainbridge and toured IslandWood one day and the counselors split off and did the challenge course and that was super fun. Everything about it was just so indescribably wonderful, with the possible exception of Devora who grates my nerves more with every passing year. I miss peace camp. I can't wait to see you guys.
And now Shanti's here. There's been all kinds of drama involving me and Riley but as it stands now he and Shanti are a thing and him and I are on alright terms. Tomorrow after Maia's party (at which I will see peace camp folk. yay!) we're going camping. I love Shanti. It's good to have her here. And really really cool that she's friends with all my friends.
There's a new boy in my life. His name is Jesse and I met him at a peace march and he likes me. And he's really hot and sweet and talkative and charismatic... but sort of obsessive and I'm borderline scared of him. He wants to go out but I think I'd like to stay out of uneven relationships. So for now we are just friends.
I've discovered Magical Trevor and have been listening to his lovely little song in its horrifying loop for the last two hours. Run while you still can.
Tonight I made phone calls for the Kerry campaign to get people registered to vote for four hours. Slightly traumatic experience. Lots of grumpy people. Got screamed at a couple times. Fun, though, and I got to hang out with the Sivitz girls whom I love.
Both my piano students quit piano so they can spend all their time learning how to read. This was their mother's decision and it makes sense because it's a problem if you're nine and can't read but it's really sad because a. I love them and b. I no longer have a job. She told me that she'd love to have me babysit them though.
And I finally called the woman who coordinates the Ordway Spanish class today so perhaps I'll end up doing that. That would be a rockin' job.
I have Sean's shirt on and it smells like Sean which is a comforting smell. Sort of milky and cool.
There are so many people that I wish I had spent all my time with this summer that I haven't seen once or have barely seen. This is extremely frustrating. My goal for the rest of August is to see all of them. And learn to dance.
My arachnophobia is creeping back on eight fat furry legs.
I saw a meteor shower for the first time yesterday. It was also the first time I ever saw even one shooting star. It was incredible.
I went shopping with Jesse (he has the exact same man sense of fashion as me (how I would dress if I was male)) and got little boy shorts. Which are all long and manly. They're mad comfy.
I'm so excited for jazz choir next year.
My family might host a Pakistani exchange student for all of next year. She is sixteen and wants to be a doctor and likes to fix things and likes singing and acting. Which is about as perfect a fit as you can get for my family. We just have to decide if we want a whole nother person living with us for that long a time. It's a big commitment, especially since I'm an only child and it would be like throwing this sister into my life, except I didn't grow up with her and she doesn't speak English. Well she speaks English. But you understand. So we have to talk to people who've had exchange students and figure out if we're gonna do it.
I should go to bed I have lots of stuff to do tomorrow. May you live to see a thousand reasons to rejoice.
Con Amour
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| Thursday, July 1st, 2004
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4:51 pm
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I've developed the unfortunate habit of dressing to entertain myself on days during which I don't plan to see anyone. It's unfortunate because I always see people and my dressing to entertain myself is usually pretty obscene. It's kind of fun, though.
My cat bit me this morning. I have a hard core mark on my face.
I called all of Earth Service Corps this morning for this 4th of July recycling business. On this new phone I got for fifty cents at the Rotary Auction. But apparently it's way more rotary than I thought, that is, when you press a number instead of beeping like a normal phone it clicks, different length clicks for different numbers. This is cool but I have no idea how to change it and it makes dialing take forever because you have to wait for each number to do its little clicky dance sequence and you can't use it for those messages that say "If you like apples, press one" or more acurately "If you want to leave a message for Noah, press three". So anyway the calling thing took a long time because of this. I used to like calling big groups of people, or tell myself I did, but now it just makes me want to kill myself. Yet I always volunteer to call lists of people because... I dunno it's a good feeling to feel so instrumental. And maybe it's just a little fun to feel self-sacrificing.
Mr. Gans took away the deadline for my summer homework. Which means I'll never finish. I love my work ethic. I should be making flash cards.
I made both my piano students cry at their last lessons. Individually. The end of school is just a stressful time for everybody, and I mean gosh it's pretty cruel of me to make them practice with a metranome. Also some lessons back Reynolds, my boy student, said to me, "Oh, how I despise you." At least he's articulate. But so now I'm sort of worried because their mother doesn't seem to be calling me back and I was sort of couting on this for some summer income. And if I don't get paid by other people I will be forced to work for my mother. Oh God.
I've spent too much time reading things better than my livejournal and now I feel sort of guilty producing my level of content. But it's weird since there are a lot of different types of writing that I feel inferior to and I can't try to be like all of them. It's just sort of gross since it makes livejournaling less of an outlet.
Speaking of reading things better than my livejournal, I was up til 3:00 last night reading Achewood. I have now, as far as I know, read every Achewood comic ever made. Why?
Some kid is fixing my computer tomorrow. I'm so psyched. It crashes every time someone dies of hunger in Africa.
I've already half-conciously started looking for interp scripts next year. It's terrible. I even got the script of the duo that I hope won nationals, which also included a bunch of other short plays, sort of hoping it would have an untouched gem for meee. But why am I doing this? It's freaking summer! I just don't know what to do with the gaping chasm in my life that used to be duo.
Oh hey I didn't get into Caberet. I couldn't sing at my audition. That is, I sang, but terribly. See it's not fair to make people sing with laryngitis. Toby and Sean did, though, (CONGRATULATIONS SEAN! By the way Sean, I love you. And your stupid calcetines videos. Which I just watched an outrageous number of times.) and Ramona and Katie and some other people that are obviously cooler than me. Actually I'm not that bitter I just wish I could have tried out without a cold so I would know if I'm really not good enough or if it was just my lack of voice. Oh plus the whole having just learned my monologue because I couldn't talk for the week before my audition and therefore couldn't practice. So yeah stupid cold I hate you.
I recieved two more seat back information packets from the nice planes going to and from Salt Lake City. I was sitting next to a flight attendant on the way back, too. I am way sneaky. I now have nine in my collection, and the coolest one is from China. No wait, the flight attendant was next to Sean. Oh well, same row. Still sneaky.
I need to finish my English homework so that I can get out of the I Live in a Cave mentality and talk to some of the people on my 19-person People to See list.
Last night my mother and I realized that there is a lyric mistake that might go back generations in our family in the song "I See the Moon" that involves glowing oak trees.
I have a list of my top fourteen Achewood strips if anyone wants it. Like to get started easy, you know. Oh good lord what am I saying.
The phone I got at the auction, by the way, is pink.
There's this 2002 holiday card from the Fraga family on one of my bookshelves and every so often when I'm sitting here I look over at it and it's like "Woah. That's a lot of Fragas."
It might work out for me to work at peace camp after all this year. I hope so.
I wish I was friends with Sean's friend Aubrey he seemed like a nice chap.
I've started really liking it when people match. This started with matching duo suits. They were really common at nationals and really cool. But we may have been the only duo team in berets. It was fun to ride the rail system in our matching suits and berets and pretend to be French school children.
I think my second favorite movie is Madeline.
I'm really excited to be taking French next year.
Karen King called me yesterday. Karen King is one of my least favorite people in the world. She is the mother of a kid in choir and she is personally responsible for my B in history, clear-cutting of the Amazon rainforests, and the current war on Iraq. She called about me marching with the choir in the parade. She also sent an email on the same subject. The first line of it was, "Are you ready for some fun?" No, Karen. I would rather eat my own liver. Actually that's a lie. And pretty gross. Sorry.
Oh yeah grades. I got mine, except my English grade which is currently an incomplete. I got all As except for the history B. Which means I got an A in chemestry. I didn't think it was possible. I was wrong. Woo!
I need to practice piano more. That's a theme. My I Live in a Cave mentality apparently doesn't include the piano in the cave. Pity. I'll go practice when I finish these flashcards. Which is funny because I haven't started them. I think it's time.
My self-righteous vegan friends are getting to me. Oat milk is pretty good.
Bye guys.
Love.
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| Saturday, June 19th, 2004
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9:33 am
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While my dad was in the ICU, I fell into an emotional state so unique (among my previous emotional states) that it wants blogging.
The best word that I can think of to describe it is delicate. Perhaps also crispy, on-edge, superficial, preserved.
I think it was most examplarily manifested in my music habbits. I listened to music almost constantly over my dad's two week hospital stay. Those two weeks were when I began going to sleep to music. It was my escapism. Instead of tucking into bed in my empty, dark house and letting my mind wander until it shut off, I put on big black headphones and filled every cavity in my brain with music so that nothing else could move around and I wouldn't think. It makes emotional sense although I have no idea why I was afraid of thinking. I don't think I was afraid of crying, because I did enough of that. I might have been somehow subconciously afraid that the wrong thought could snuff out my dad. I might have just been dodging nightmares. The flip side of my music obsession was an extreme sensitivity to the content, mostly to the lyrics although sometimes just a feeling would be too much, of the music. Songs about car accidents made me feel like I was about to break and I skipped past them. The Shins had too much emotional connection for me to listen to them at all. I can't directly connect that feeling to anything. So it's also sort of weird that I spent an unreasonable amount of time listening to the They Might Be Giants album Mink Car, as the chorus of the title song goes I got hit by a mink car / hit by a mink car / driven by a guitar.
My sensitivity to song content has since diminished, but I still rely on my CD player to put me to sleep almost anywhere that is not my bed. Am I afraid of my own thoughts everywhere but my home? Is my need for music still related to my dad? I have no idea.
I am absolutely positive this emotional state isn't unique to me.
And: My right thumb is sticky. I don't know why.
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1:31 am
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So freaking much has happened.
On Friday, April 16th, 2004 the driver of a car going 50 mph leaned down to answer her cell phone, veered into the bicycle lane and hit my father, sending him flying 80 feet, bicycle still attatched, over the guard rail and onto a patch of grass off the road.
When I entered hurriedly through the back door of my house, with four friends waiting at the front one, on Friday, April 16th, 2004, the phone was ringing. Someone from Harbourview was calling to say my dad had been in an accident and had been airlifted there. He could tell me nothing about his condition. He asked me to call my mom and tell her.
Before he hung up, two police officers arrived at my house. They told me my dad had a broken leg. They gave me his driver's liscence.
My dad spent a week in the Harbourview ICU. I don't remember all of his injuries, but they included a broken leg, broken neck, three broken ribs, broken spine, a small bleed in his brain, internal bleeding in his belly area, a cracked skull, a collapsed lung, and a large cut on his back.
Three surgeries, nine weeks, and a lot of drugs, prayers, and tears later, he is sitting downstairs in our house, in his wheelchair, aircast, and neck collar, checking his email. At the end of summer he'll be walking again. He's already started lecturing at schools on the importance of wearing bike helmets (his saved his life) and turning off cell phones before driving. He's the head of two Bike to Work Month teams and as much as my mom tries, she's not going to keep him from getting back on his bike.
As far as we know, a stiff neck from the titanium plate inserted there will be the only lasting effect of the accident on his body. His mind is changed only by the spiritual awakening he seems to have been given as the result of recieving a second chance. He'll tell you he should be dead. I'd disagree.
That's the first thing.
My mom has also been in two car accidents in the last month. Neither were her fault. She's fine, one car is totalled and the other is just missing a bumper. Spooky, though.
And me? I was in a play... it's over now. The Players felt so different this year it feels like the show never happened. It's so weird.
Also I went to debate nationals. We didn't break. In our six pre-elim rounds, we had a first place room, a last place room, and a bunch right in the middle. Perhaps if I aquire the exact rankings I'll post them. Adrian (my duo partner, I went in duo) and I were sick most of the week. Actually he was sick all of it, I got sick Tuesday. That's sort of an excuse for not doing our best. But also, mostly dramatic duos did well and ours is comedic. So there you have it. We watched finals and there was the most amazing piece, An Adult Evening of Shel Silverstein. I want to eat it. I hope it won. I didn't feel bad about them doing better than us. Only one piece did I feel bad about doing worse than, and I'm not going to talk about them. So nationals were fun but dissapointing.
I got really behind in schoolwork around my dad's accident and thus have an incomplete in English and am doing the work over the summer. That is, in the next ten days. I get until July first. So yay! Summer homework!
This being sick included losing my voice. They mic'd me for this weekend's performance of Oliver. That was exciting, but I still sounded like I had laringytis, just loud laringytis. And this was the weekend sixteen people came to see me.
And also Caberet auditions at BPA are Thursday. So hopefully I get my voice back very very soon. I need a monologue and a song. I think I'll sing an Oliver song. And maybe this one monologue about dead birds that I learned a long time ago. Now I'm just thinking out loud.
Ari and I are going to Solstice party tonight. I'm psyched. I haven't seen her in weeks.
Maybe I'll go get dressed and eat breakfast.
Maybe I'll stop waiting three months to post and then forgetting everything I was going to say.
Love.
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| Monday, May 3rd, 2004
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11:21 pm
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Today I found, baked, and consumed a package of frozen, pre-formed, uncooked mochi dough dated January thirtieth, 1994. It tasted a little bit like poison but I liked it.
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| Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
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10:07 pm
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Running to catch a ferry yesterday, I was reminded why I love Bainbridge. It's about a twenty minute walk to the ferry from my house and I left with about fifteen minutes until the boat was supposed to leave and thus ran. Maybe two blocks from my house, an unfamiliar minivan sort of slowed down and pulled over and the driver said, "I remember you from Voyager. Trying to catch a ferry?" She was some random mother of a kid I don't even remember from my elementary school and because of her I made the boat with time to spare.
Anyway I just finished reading The Power of One. I really liked it except for the ending which I found weak and sort of pretending to resolve the whole story but neglecting most of it. But ya, it really made me think. Tomorrow I am reading Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass and writing a paper comparing them to Power of One. And going to rehersal. Just watch.
I've sort of called a truce with school which is really really bad because school has a different honor code and is going to attack me from behind while I'm getting a drink of water. I haven't done math homework except at school in weeks and I got two Fs and a D on history tests. Except I'm a straight A student. Something will have to be done about this. Also I've been slacking off in choir which was previously the class in which I tried my hardest. Being quiet and attentive was easier before I made friends. But I have an A in chemestry for the first time in my life so take that world.
Also, words cannot express how much I miss the Ometepe kids. It's painful when someone with whom you are joined at the hip suddenly uproots himself to go have some mind expanding life changing world saving experience in the third world. But whatever.
Shanti comes on Sunday. She is my beacon of hope for spring break. I'm thrilled.
That's not to say that the people still remaining on Bainbridge aren't also my beacons of hope. In fact I have more hope than I have, um, despair. Still.
My piano lesson today made me a little more optomistic about my future in the music field. Actually, though, I've been thinking about what I want to be when I grow up and although I know I want to teach piano I don't think I will be able to not work at something that helps the earth. So I guess for one I have to take a science next year. But also, like, my sucking at piano combined with the overall total futility of teaching piano and of music in general have caused me to reconsider more stuff. But I dunno. Maybe I can do both.
I have been in the possesion of Sean's red, long-sleeved blackbird shirt for a few months now. Recently, another kid (who turns out to be the person playing Jesus in the school play) has been wearing the same shirt and a couple times we've worn it on the same day so now we're shirt buddies and we both agreed to wear it today so we'd match. At the moment his name escapes me. I want to be his friend though.
So there are only two days left of school before break. And my motivation to attend them is at about .2 out of 10. Actually maybe I just want a cookie. Homemade ginger snaps are about 50 times better than store ones, guys.
I'm thinking maybe for Passover this year instead of not eating leavened bread I'll stop producing trash. It would be far more meaningful for me, and even sort of makes sense I mean really let's update here; if you're leaving Egypt to wander in the desert for forty years you're not going to want to have all these plastic wrappers to deal with. That plastic hadn't been invented yet is not important. Neither had cars and there are kashrut laws concerning them. It's all about interpreting and finding meaning and making the traditions real for you. I think I'll try this. Maybe I'll also stay out of cars.
Have I mentioned recently that I love Arthur Yang? I have almost no understanding of him but I think we should get married. Or be friends. Or whatever.
I adore Fiddler on the Roof.
It's definately cookie time.
Love.
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| Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
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10:50 pm
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Ari and Adrian pulled me up a ten foot brick wall at school today. Right when I was over the top I thought I was going to die. I flashed back to a particular nightmare I didnt remember having until that moment where I was hanging from a building or something, knowing I couldn't hang on and being scared to death of falling. In the dream I woke up. In real life they pulled me over the ledge and I was fine. It was the best thing to happen to me in weeks. I was still shaking much of chemestry. An English teacher I don't have walked by and thought they were trying to throw me over the ledge. Scary. Wow.
Yesterday I had an epiphany. If your conversational focus is in the first person, you're self centered. If it's in the second person, you're nosey. The third person is gossipy. You can't win.
I had another epiphany during the chemestry study table this evening but all I remember about it is that I was looking at the seam on Sean's orange sweatshirt pocket at the time.
Also at the study table, Sean and I made plans to meet in an airport on March 4th, 2014 and introduce ourselves to eachother. This made me incredibly sad. By March 4th, 2014, we probably will have to introduce ourselves to even recognize eachother. My close friends will be strangers. The life I know will be entirely dissolved. I'll laugh at what I cried at. My focuses will be unimaginably different. But what makes me saddest is letting go of my closest friends. Going seperate ways. Watching (or not watching) them, you, build lives I have no part in elsewhere in the world. Imagining not missing them.
I'm listening to Sugar Ray. I LOVE it. Go to hell.
My list of favorite people has six or seven people on it.
Tolo was last Saturday. That morning I went to a tiny bit of an environmental conference that I gave a speech at last year but was just sort of superfluous at this year, then marched in the The World Still Says No to War march, then the art musem, then just wandered with Cynthia for a couple hours, then slept in the ferry terminal waiting for my compadres. Tolo was wonderful though. My date was Ari Weinberg. I actually enjoyed the dance itself which I didn't except to do. I guess suffice to say I love Ari. Someone who watched us dancing said "you two win cutest couple." Riley and Adrian went together but they only evoked a bunch of double takes and "wo, i just saw two guys slow dancing". It was interesting to see how differently people responded to her and me from the two boys.
I returned home about five minutes after my curfew to find my mom waiting with her hands on her hips in the cohousing path. When we got inside she said, "Just because you're friends with these juniors and seniors doesn't mean you can go galavanting off like you're one of them."
Oh hey I remembered my epiphany: Immaturity is beautiful and irritation is optional.
I have like a hundred pages to read for English and I've sort of stopped doing math homework outside Spanish class.
Also I decided Gans' class makes me angry because he sort of flails about being opinionated with good debate skills and the class just absorbs it. The exact thing that bothers me is the skipping of the "I agree, Mr. Gans" step of the process of changing minds. He spits out an idea, then someone raises their hand and talks about it like it was their idea and they've always thought it. But then when I raise my hand and say the opposite, the same people spew my opinions without missing a beat. What's missing is concious realization of their ideas being changed. It's like he's brainwashing them only the things he says aren't usually what he thinks. He tries to get us thinking but mostly he just gets us agreeing. Only it's agreeing without awareness and it's really, really creepy. I'm having trouble articulating this. But I think I have somewhere pinpointed my problem with his class. And it's only his fault because he permits and perpetuates it; most of the responsibility falls on the students. Rise up, folks. Think for yourselves.
I like toast. And piano. And singing pretty. And Katie Reegan's amazing voice. And my chemestry lab group. And the partial pink rabbit I drew on my hand. And trust. And Rebecca Sivitz. And Indie Rock Pete. And reading in bed in the morning. And days when I can go outside without mittens on. And my retainer.
Love.
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| Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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10:30 pm
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i have embarassed myself in front of a piano again. i played the minute waltz for the in class portion of my english project yesterday. horribly. i dont even want to look at anyone in that class. especially not mr gans. or the band kids. ugh. piano is the one thing that i let myself think im good at. but this is now time #2 ive played horribly in front of an audience. i have no future. plus its just so shameful. im banking on some character building here.
and more shame: by the ferry dock sunday a man approached me selling candy. i was like yay someone actually doing something for people hes begging from so i bought a candy. then as he handed it to me he said "thanks. christian outreach needs all the money it can get." so then i spent the next hour or so feeling guilty.
on sunday i went twitting, then wandered around downtown seattle alone for an hour (which was amazing until the whole christian outreach thing) and then went to the jewish film festival. i think i need to take more solo outings. ive really only been alone when im out to accomplish something or sitting at home. but going out alone is just... lovely.
also adrian and i got second in state for duo. hurrah. rebecca got first in interperative reading, and sean second in humourous interp. we were the smallest team there and we got the fifth highest number of awards. um sort of. 5th place sweepstake award. kind of complicated to explain. anyway bainbridge rocks. now im done with debate till june.
oliver rehersals have started. im so freaking thrilled for the show. with some of the people who are gone, it almost feels like theres less.. hm... competition. like anything almost cliquey that was happening is now gone. actually last year it was really cliquey. it was also really really lovey, and some of that will be lost, but at least it will be more equal. i hope.
this is way shorter than my usual and i think i have more to say however i am going to bed. goodnight friends and loved ones.
love
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| Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
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12:58 pm
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two wonderful things happened today.
in algebra, a girl named irene who i sort of know, shes the class president, really sweet, we have some mutual friends, came up to me and told me "i wish i had some friends." so i gave her a hug and asked her what she was talking about. and she started talking about how she really only has aquaintances in our algebra class, but then she sort of realized, "actually, the people i sit with at lunch are aquaintances, and the people that i hang out with after school..." so we talked about that for a bit and how unfortunate that is and i told her we should hang out more and she invited me to a tea party.
it just makes me so happy she talked to me.
also, gala from the mountaineers called (oh hey guess what oliver auditions were last weekend) and offered me the part of charlotte, described in the audition notice as "sowerberry's sluttish young daughter". which is a speaking role. woo. i feel a little better about not getting into the school play now.
oh ya something else exciting happened last weekend. national qualifiers for speech and debate. and adrian and i freaking qualified. meaning were going to fucking nationals. in duo. salt lake city, utah, baby. our team did really well as a whole too. riley qualified in student congress, and rebecca was first alternate (meaning third place, but only first and second places go to nationals) in THREE events, sean is first alt in humorous interp (the bastards he should have qualified. to quote rebecca: first step: qualification. second step: assasination.) meghans first alt in student congress, matt and max are first alt in ted turner... none of this means anything to the majority of you.
sunday adrian and i are going shopping for matching suits. state is the weekend after that. im such a freaking speechie.
friday night at the tournament adrian sean and i stayed up till 2 am working with mr gans. thats my freaking english teacher. ewww.
i guess i like mr gans now. at least his class makes me think. ive written a lot of self analysis shit for him that perhaps i shall post here, but its kind of gross. maybe it explains where my ljing energy has been redirected recently though.
god im so so so so so excited for mountaineers season. although at least half of my players friends didnt return this year. which makes me want to cry. but there is some promising new blood, including riley who was actually called back for the artful dogder but cast as chorus. a new boy named ian that i thought was good is dodger. ooo plus cooper is playing noah, the boy i have a crush on in the play. i love him so much im so excited. the play is going to be really different without sarah, lauren, ian, anna, anna, isa, aaron, peter but still. o my god mountaineers.
i have a chemestry test tomorrow and three worksheets i should be doing. im too full of love to do chemestry.
have i mentioned recently how much i love choir? i love choir. i love the second sopranos. i love mr vandenhole. i love tangents. i love being able to sight sing. i love singing harmony. i love coming out of the choir room at the end of the day singing. i love sectionals. i love choir back massage circles. mmm.
i love the song strawberry fields. i have spent hours listening to it on loop.
on monday when i packed fruit, vegetables, and yogurt for lunch, my mother said to me "if you keep packing lunches like that im going to think you have an eating dissorder". today she called me from work to tell me to pack fruit and vegetables in my lunch. if i develop an eating dissorder it will be out of confusion.
also i realized school lunches arent wasteful if you bring your own plate. so if you want to be cool, guys, bring a plate to school for your lunch instead of using those disgusting paper trays. also if you go to my school and do this and tell me i shall give you a star. the color of the star will be a suprise.
im so content.
i love you.
love
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| Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
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9:41 pm
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i suck at life because:
-i blew my 4.0 this past semester. in approximately 3 classes.
-i quit joseph for debate
-i like unattainable boys
-i dislike people
the shins were absolutely amazing. it was absolutely the best concert i have been to. also i threw another bra and marty put it on his keyboard stand and then on his guitar and played with it which means he loves me. but just... wow. we were standing touching the stage. im sure at least one of them looked directly at me. they were so much rockinger than the cds or bumbershoot. wow.
and so ya i quit my play.
first the decision. i talked to a lot of people about it but primarily adrian of course. and it came down to the differences between bpa and the forest theatre (which is what im used to), the differences between the people in the play and on the debate team, the overall importance of one community theatre play vs. going to state in debate, the fact that id either be letting down adrian or making someone else redo all the work ive done on the duo if i stayed in the play, and boys. and so i chose state. and im happy with my decision. but then i still had to quit the play.
so i went in early before rehersal yesterday and talked to steven. and i explained my situation to him and asked if there was any chance of my remaining in the play and he basicly said if we do it for you we have to do it for everyone and we cant do that. which i understand. so i went to the rest of rehersal so the girl whos replacing me could watch my scenes. and then the hardest part was watching her do one of my scenes in my place. and i found myself doing the facial expressions from the scene and once i clapped along by accident. i didnt get to tell the whole cast why i was leaving which also makes me sad. but i said ill do tech, so ill be back for that. still, it just feels like its so over.
its not the first play ive quit though. i quit midsummer, the first play i ever tried out for and got into, at the forest theatre in third grade because my mother made me. but i was really bitter about it and didnt even want to see it performed. this will be different because it was my choice and because i am older.
but going back to differences between bpa and the forest theatre. first of all they exist. for example sean just posted that "i know from past plays that, right as it hits closing night, you realize that you've been with these people for the past three weeks, and yet you don't really know any of them at all." but hes been in bpa plays. at the mountaineers by closing day everyone is best friends with everyone else and youve all laughed and cried and peed your pants together.
but one of my least favorite things is "at my old school" syndrome. where you go into a new activity comparing every aspect of it with a similar past experience. you can do this in big ways like i just did with comparing my two theatres, or in little and subtler but somehow more obnoxious ways like purposefully singing the vocal warm up you sing in your choir when youre warming up with a different group which is doing a slightly different one. its easy not to lapse into the wrong vocal warm up. i now know 4 sets of them and for the most part keep them straight. but somehow its coooool to sing the one you learned over the summer at your musical theatre camp instead of the choir one and then giggle about it because ahaha musical theatre camp was sooo fun. once at joseph rehersal we were talking about tee shirts or something trivial and i brought up "my theatre" by accident and made some sort of comparison. i think i only did that once. but ugh. its the most disgusting thing ever. just drink in the new experience while its in front of you and give up on bringing up the last one even if it is cooler. this is something i need to learn.
another one of my least favorite things is exaggerating friendships.
jealousy about what may or may not be true is stupid.
its a new semester and i have a new chemestry teacher name mr dow and oh wow he is so so so amazing compared to mr hohl its incredible. unfortunately though this means i will be actually learning in chemestry and not having deep conversations with hippie kids. ah well.
i did all my homework before i went online today. im so cool.
my favorite sentient being is still nosey.
someone who apparently frequently reads seans journal and has been commenting annonymously back and forth with him signs off with love the way i so totally invented. you know you might say im spreading the love. wooo.
if you took everything i say on face you would hate me.
so anyone who can explain why ive had pink stuck in my head more than once this week will recieve a gold star.
before the shins concert we pulled up ivy and non-native blackberry with kadima people it was wonderful.
also before the shins concert we went to goodwill to aquire the bra to be thrown and i got a wonderful $5 pink dress which is oh wow so amazing and a pair of jellies! so my soul can be happy now.
goodnight face-heads (face-heads is an awesome name to call people because its always true im so intellegent)
love
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| Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
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8:23 pm
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so my quazi-disliked english teacher just called. to tell my parents how much he enjoyed having me in his class. i have been going to school for 13 years, and 10 of those years were in private school where teachers "care" a lot about their students, and i have never gotten a call like that from a teacher. the second period english class is a really fun group and we all get along really well and mr gans is always saying how much he loves us, but still this is totally amazing to me. teachers just dont call students to tell them how cool they are. especially not mr gans, the funny but egotistical c-giving first year english teacher. he said really nice things tho and somehow his call made me really happy. and apparently made me inable to study for finals. what am i doing here?
anyway. its finals week. i have so far had spanish and english finals and they both went really well and im getting an a in both classes. tomorrow i have math and history and i think i might be teetering on an a- in either. and friday is choir (ha choir final actually that means 1 hour to study for chemestry) and chemestry which oh dear me mr hohl taught us an all new lesson which he says is going on the final. so basicly im going to fail. but finals week means 3 half days.
today i went to blackbird with sean ari adrian riley and cynthia and then left when ramona showed up which was a minor coincidence and went back to my house until my singing lesson. which didnt end up actually happening but im glad everyone left so i could do some homework. except i havent done any because 1. i suck at life and 2. i have no wwii notes and i didnt do the one wwii unit homework assignment so i make my outline for the final. oh and the four math assignments i have left. this is officially the most boring livejournal entry i have ever typed. wooo.
sex.
there. spicy.
speaking of sex... so i quit the boyskissing comunity yesterday for 3 reasons. 1. people kept posting porn, 2. lots of bitchy text posts and 3. a post which read: "I've tried this once but Angelfire was being gay, lets try this again.." angelfire being a picture hosting site. but ok if youre gay and your posting in a half gay guys half fag hags comunity wouldnt you know a little better than to use language that reinforces the horrible cultural equating of gay and bad? about a quarter of the people who commented on the post said things like "ok youre gay dont be homophobic" but the poster just commented back saing "of course im not homophobic im gay", and the rest of the commenters said things such as, heres a direct quote, "silly whining faggots. i call shit gay allll da time". oh wow what the fuck. ya youre so cool because you send the world the message that gay means the same thing as stupid. so incredibly frustrating. shanti sent me a pin that has "that's so gay" in the little red circle with the line through it. i so wish pins would stay on my backpack i have to find something to do with it. so message to the world:
DON'T USE GAY AS AN INSULT. thank you.
and today tim was giving out bumper stickers which said "love more". ah tim. how i will miss chemestry with him. (which rhymes)
i have a head cold. it has been decided that head colds are sonots. i will elaborate only upon request. oh and sneezing is really fun. really. i enjoy it greatly.
im going to a shins concert sunday. and before that a jewish earthy thing. and possibly in between a goodwill to aquire bras to attatch notes to an throw at marty. im so excited.
i so swore off these long posts. but know what? its my journal. other peoples poor overburdened friends pages can go to hell.
theres a dead plant in my living room. it was a birthday present for my mom. her birthday was four days ago. thats a wildly short amount of time for a plant to die in im impressed.
so because judging people is really cool...
ive been pondering what makes someone a bad person. i know what makes me dislike people or at least be annoyed by them. but i know that some of those things are just because i am detestable as well and am not tolerant enough. i dont even know if there can be bad people. plus im not thinking clearly right now. but really my big question is how bad is narcissism? how bad is being self centered and self involved? and how bad is superiority; feeling better than someone because they are a sonot or because they are stupid for some other reason? doesnt feeling superior actually bring you back to the level of the person you feel superior to? and if so can no pleasure be gained by being a good person? or is superiority just one type of pleasure? i wish i could think clearly enough to phrase my ponderings other than as questions this is a most annoying syntax and i apologize.
i had a dream the other night that i talked to my enemy on the phone and now i keep forgetting that were enemies. the whole enemy thing is so sonoted. dont i love myself.
emma taught me something. whenever someone says they hate something, they must say three things they love. the idea is to either put more love in the world or less hate. but i say i hate things a lot and its sort of refreshing and so im sort of not liking this new game although it still allows for hate it just makes it not as cool.
which reminds me. i have in front of me a terrible choice to make. there are two performances of joseph on the same day as the state tournament for debate in which adrian and i qualified for duo. and steven says i cant miss performances. so its joseph or state. im leaning towards state and i said i would make the decision by tomorrow, but i want more information. such as when national qualifiers are, and a quadruple check to make sure the date is the same and that there is no possible way of me missing shows. there is no reason for them not to let me miss shows... they have to get someone to fill my part if i drop out anyway, but its some policy thing. this is where having some connections would really help, but ugh we shall see. i miss the players. why bpa.
i should really really really go study seeing as i have like 3 hours of work left and its almost 10 now. why do i do this?
have a nice day everyone who got this far. thank you for your time.
love
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| Friday, January 23rd, 2004
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3:31 pm
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shh...
i'm not ari. she forgot to log out.
hee hee hee.
ziss was sean. he says you should believe in him.
current mood:  devious
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| Monday, January 19th, 2004
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5:34 pm
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i did better at the debate tournament this weekend than i have ever done before at anything else in my life.
i broke to either finals or semi finals (they were hidden so i dont know which but probably semis) in lincoln douglas debate which i have never done before.
i got 3rd place speaker award which was the first plaque i have ever recieved.
and
adrian and i got FIRST PLACE in OPEN (which is the highest level and i am but a novice but we had to compete in open because adrian is in open in ld) duo interperatation. which means we are going to state. it also means we got big shiny blue trophies with stars on them. the first trophy i have ever gotten in my life.
what made this especially nice is that rebecca, who emergency-prepped me for my final ld round and then watched it left the room in a storm telling whoever was outside the room she was "fucking pissed at ari" because i fucked up my last speech. and i did lose the round, but there were three judges and one of them did vote for me. but it was really sweet the way she wouldnt talk to me for the rest of the tournament. thank you siv. its good to know when i do the best ive ever done that someone will still hate me for not doing better.
wow i need to stop being so bitter.
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| Sunday, December 28th, 2003
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11:31 pm
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i washed dishes all day yesterday. ok not all day. but i got up, ate breakfast, and washed dishes until i left to see lizzie sivitz's play, inspecting carol. so the bulk of the day. heres why it sucked:
as soon as i came downstairs, my dad asked if i would wash the dishes. which annoyed me only a little and only because there were a lot of dishes to be washed. but i said sure, as soon as i eat breakfast.
my mom called while i was still eating to tell me to clean the kitchen. so i said dad had already asked me to wash the dishes. and she said do it now. and i said i was eating breakfast. and she said do it as soon as youre done. so i was like ya i was going to.
so as soon as i finished eating i started washing. i was still washing when my mom returned home from seattle. she walked in the door and said "dont forget those pans over here on the stove." and moved the pans over to the area of the counter which i was scrubbing at.
meanwhile, my dad had lost an important folder and was stomping all over the house swearing and throwing stuff.
i was still drying the last of the dishes when it was time to leave. which led to my mother gently reminding me to hurry up so we could leave.
the one beautiful moment in all this was a very loud crashing noise which occured when the handle of the lid i was drying suddenly became seperated from the lid causing the lid to drop to the floor with alarming force. it broke up some of the tension in the house. ill have to remember that lid.
and o no, im not bitter.
i did purchase some little boy undies however. finding nemo. a three pack. theyre so hot. theyre also definately too small. but ive decided that whether or not things fit is all up here. and by up here i mean in my head. so even though there is the distinct possibility that the only way i will be able to extricate myself from them involves a pair of scissors, i have been wearing them. the thing about wearing really cool underwear, though, is the constant desire to remove your pants.
last night around 10:30 i was idly chatting on instant messenger when someone i was talking to said "run!" and i thought, why not? so i put on some shoes and my mittens and grabbed my dog and went for a little jog. running alone at night in december is amazing.
that and i hadnt done anything physically active in forever. joseph rehersals start saturday and the entire play is dancing, so that will be nice. o man i am so excited. horay! a play!
i performed an accidental tonsilectomy on myself with a toothbrush (ok i exaggerate) a couple nights ago and discovered i have no gag reflex. also brushing ones teeth in bed is not highly recomended.
the middle joint of the little finger on my right hand has swollen to become 1/4 inch thicker than the middle joint of the little finger on my left hand. mm arthritis.
sean and i finished our holiday presents. theyre so freaking rad.
shanti called me from north carolina on a cell phone just to chat.
thats the first time anyones called me from a family vacation for shits and giggles. i love shanti. i hope she moves up here.
i took apart my piano yesterday because the piano tuner will not be back at work for some time to see if i could fix the middle g myself. i learned a lot about the inside of a piano, and also figured out why the notes not working, but it remains stoicly silent. ugh. silly instrument. the front of the pianos heavy, though. i was proud of myself.
my mom gave me the pipe part of a bagpipe for chanuka along with an instructional booklet and tape. bagpipes are one of the few instruments i never had the inklings of a desire to learn to play. but this should be an interesting challenge.
o man. i just recieved three packages from bob. one contained an almost matching hat and scarf and a pretty but oddly shaped purse, one contained several books and a movie on getting into college, and one contained lots of classic books. it couldve been a lot worse.
the woman im coteaching spanish with has yet to call me back. i dont know whether i should just call all the students in the class anyway or if i should continue to wait for her.
i was reading an article yesterday on reading facial expressions and realized that i probably suck at it.
which reminds me. sean happened to be here the last night of chanuka so he witnessed our family celebration. (which he wrote a great entry about) the unnerving part of this was that i honestly couldnt tell whether he was completely uncomfortable or enjoying it. i sort of thought he was uncomfortable, but he wrote in said entry that he was even "moved". which was a shocker. i thought i could read sean. but i guess its all guessing anyway.
ive started reading real blogs. like independent, on-their-own-site-which-is-just-a-blog blogs. i like them sooo much better than livejournal. however i would never be capable of producing one. besides, i think livejournal is healthier. on a real blog, all the entries are produced with viewing audience which could be anyone anywhere on the internet in mind. livejournals are primarily the spewing of thoughts, ideas, and information which the user needs an outlet for or wishes to share. also security settings make it so a livejournal can be used just as a normal, private journal, and to share personal thoughts with a select few. there are of course contradictions to everything ive said. im sure there are boring real blogs out there and i know that there are livejournals produced only to be read and not to benefit the writer, but on the whole it seems to me it the difference comes down to this: livejournals are kept to benefit the writer and blogs are kept to benefit the reader. the blogs i have read are funnier than livejournals but they are also less personal.
i take too long writing in this thing. since i started this entry ari and thea have come and gone, some jazzercize has been done, and some custard has been consumed. which reminds me.
so sean and i made custard for our friends who had just undergone wisdom tooth removal surgury. and on the first try we ended up with warm milk and scrambled eggs. so we took the custards out of the oven and blenderized all of them and them poured them back into the custard dishes. and cooked them for a while. and then went off and worked on presents. and got back and they werent cooked. so we cooked them some more. and then they still werent done so we took packaged flan to maddy and ari. here comes the irony: when i get back from the flan deliveries, my mom opens the oven and says whats this? and there they are. 5 perfectly congealed little custards, all in a row. they were sort of nasty tasting because we added an extra egg, but ah well cant win em all. if youve read this far just tell me and ill give you a gold star.
and so by now i have gone to blackbird and come back, and sean has come and gone. i think it is time i put this entry to rest. happy holidays yall!
love
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